


I Loved You, I Still Love You, I Always Will

by Thnks_fr_th_msry



Series: I Still Love You [1]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, M/M, Poor Gee :(, Suicidal Thoughts, non graphic mention of vomit, real sad, technically no actual Frerard, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 14:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20065552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thnks_fr_th_msry/pseuds/Thnks_fr_th_msry
Summary: Gerard does what he does every night and cries silently to himself in bed next to his beautiful wife, with his adorable daughter in the room across the hall.





	I Loved You, I Still Love You, I Always Will

**Author's Note:**

> This is fiction, no correlation with the real guys mentioned. TW for suicidal thoughts, please read the tags if you haven't. If you feel like this, my inbox is always open if anyone needs to talk. You are not alone.

Gerard does what he does every night and cries silently to himself in bed next to his beautiful wife, with his adorable daughter in the room across the hall. He's accomplished so much in his forty two years of life. A wildly successful band and a beloved show inspired from his comics, full of characters he's shaped from nothing but his mind for years that everyone loves. He's even won multiple awards. He has a picture perfect life. Yet here he is, turned on his side weeping quietly like he does almost every night. If Lyn-z catches him doing this, which she rarely does anymore, he always comes up with an excuse that she always buys.

The singer knows better than to tell her the truth, the truth that he misses the band. He misses them being together all the time, he even misses Bob sometimes. He misses the drunken arguments and the crowded tour bus and terrible smells and loud, exhausting, wonderful concerts with his favorite people in the world. He misses seeing his kid brother every day, he misses Ray and his killer guitar skills and awesome hair. But the one person he can never ever get to leave his mind, the one that eats him up inside, he misses him the most. 

Frank Anthony Thomas Iero Jr. was the one responsible for this feeling. He was the one that had enraptured Gerard from the very moment that they met. Such an interesting person he was. Incredibly attractive, funny, kind hearted, and oh so very talented. Gerard remembers the nights of him lying next to the shorter man in the dark, pinching himself every so often to see if he was dreaming. He always prayed to whoever was listening that even if he was, he would never wake up. 

Gerard loves people as he always has. Loves his beautiful wife and daughter, his supportive parents, his amazing brother. Loves his life long friends, his adoring fans. He has loved so many people in his lifetime, but he's nearly positive that he will never love anyone like he loves Frank. It makes him sick to his stomach to think about the fact Frank and him barely talk anymore. When they do, it's small talk similar to the way you speak to an old high school acquaintance that you haven't talked to since you were seventeen.

They don't talk like they saw each other nearly every single goddamn day for twelve years straight. They don't talk like people that kissed and hugged and touched each other whenever possible. They don't talk like people that shared everything from food to clothes to living spaces to secrets. The told each other everything, or at least they thought they did. Gerard knows that he took something beautiful, and he destroyed it. He had something he loved with every ounce of his being and killed it. He hates himself for it. 

He remembers the guys' reactions to the break up announcement. Mikey and Ray were definitely upset, but he knew that Frank took it the hardest. Gerard was too excited about the solo album he was already planning to really care though. He was so excited about the idea of finally doing something all by himself that he didn't care about how miserable Frank and the others were feeling. The tables have turned though, and Gerard hated it. 

He wishes he could say that he's living his dream. He thought he was, he was! At least, he thought this was what his dream was. But he sure as hell doesn't feel like it. He feels trapped in a nightmare that he has to pretend to adore. He knows he would give everything to go back in time and not post that God forsaken letter on the My Chemical Romance website all those years ago. He knows he would do anything to have Frank in his arms again. He knows that even if the band were to re form, it just wouldn't be the same. He ruined his wonderful life. 

He knows he should be happy for Frank, because Frank finally seems happy. After all he's got a new band, touring and recording happily, he's got his wonderful wife and kids. Frank has the perfect life and yet, Gerard hopes that he feels the same way he does. As cruel as it sounds, he just can't help it. He wants Frank to feel as sick and scared and empty as he does. Why can't everything go back to the way it was? Why did everything have to change? 

My Chemical Romance would've been eighteen years old this year. He wishes he could say that he was inseparable from Frank for eighteen years, but he can't so he lies in his bed next to his wife and sobs hysterically. 

Frank and Gerard, Gerard and Frank, that was how they were supposed to be. They had each other before they had their wives and children. Jamia knew Frank from high school, yes, but she didn't know him like Gerard did. Jamia was a sweet, beautiful woman and a fantastic mother that he wants to despise. He hates that she has the privilege of waking up next to Frank in the morning, being able to make love with him whenever they could, having his unconditional love. Gerard hates that he can't hate her.

He doesn't even know if Frank really likes him anymore. They never seem to talk or see one another and it makes him so miserable to think about. If you asked him where he thought he would be in 2019 he probably would've made a smart ass comment about being in the 'Danger Days' universe with his band. He would've never foreseen himself becoming miserable again. He would never imagine being so lonely while surrounded by people at all times. 

He wants everything back, he wants everything he knows he'll never have again, he knows that. He also knows that's what causes him to turn and grab the small trash can next to his nightstand. That's what causes him to vomit up everything he has left in him as quietly as he can. That's what causes him to get out of bed, go to the bathroom to clean up, and sit to cry in the bathtub. He wishes he was dead sometimes, just like he did when he was younger. He thought things finally got better like every suicide prevention hotline and therapist always said they would. They didn't.

No, he's not going to be selfish, he's not going to kill himself. Not tonight at least. He has too many people depending on him. Though that doesn't stop him from fantasizing about it. He wonders what Frank would do. Would he mentally break down? Would he kill himself too in some sort of unspoken suicide pact? Would he even care? 

Gerard hiccuped out more quiet cries and imagined Frank sitting in the bathtub with him. Frank would be there, shushing him gently and hugging him close as his body racks out broken sobs. Frank would get close to his tear stained face and say "I loved you, I still love you, and I always will." Then punctuate the declaration of love with a gentle kiss. They would hold each other until the sun shines through the blinds. They would promise to stay together until the sky falls and the sun flickers out and they would keep that promise.

But Frank wasn't there with Gerard in the bathtub. There were no declarations of undying love, no gentle kisses, and no promises to be made. So Gerard just huggd his knees and cried until his mind allowed him to drift off to sleep. Where he'd dream of the short, feisty man that forever owns his heart and soul to. Maybe one day his dream will become reality. He knows better than to hope, but he needs something to keep going for.

Frank was that something. He always was and always would be. Gerard dreamt of holding him. When he woke up, Frank was not in his arms. He never would be again and Gerard knew it. The cycle would continue until the day he dies. Gerard knows this.

He gets out of the tub and gets back to bed carefully as not to disturb the still sleeping Lyn-z. Gerard does what he does every night and cries silently to himself in bed next to his beautiful wife, with his adorable daughter in the room across the hall.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this isn't too bad. It's unbeta'd because it's 5 AM and I'm sad :,)
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated <3
> 
> Come chat with me @Thx-fr-th-msry on Tumblr


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